So that first leaving home experience wasn’t so bad huh? I ventured into the unknown and found it to be not so scary. Initially that was the case yes. That year between high school and college turned into a bit of a challenge however. I made some really silly (obviously in hindsight) decisions that led me to some experiences that put a damper on my foray into the unknown. And in the years to come I continued to stumble after that brilliant start out of the gate.
But what would wisdom be without the mistakes and failures to inform us and lead us to a place of awareness if we’re so lucky? That’s the keyword however – inform. If you’re like me, then a hard head tends to batter things numerous times before the way around becomes clear. My lessons came hard and fast. I don’t go quietly – never have. It’s all or nothing, 100% conviction, damn the torpedo’s, screw convention, take the path less traveled type of strategies.
Let’s flash forward a couple of decades, multiple relationships, lots of debts, a son, plenty of scars both emotional and physical, and at least half a dozen near death experiences. Not to say it was all wreckage and disaster – it wasn’t. But underneath my battered facade I was getting tired of repeating myself and getting the same results. What’s that adage? The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result? Something like that. That was me.
Anyway by the time I reached 40 years on the planet I was ready for a change from that behavior. I thought maybe convention wasn’t so bad. Maybe that worn path was worth following. Maybe my head was better off not being used to ram things. Maybe I’d just settle down and live a quiet life of…desperation? Normalcy? Why not I thought. I’m done searching for the Holy Grail of Happiness. Fug it.
Well guess what? Life had other ideas (duh!). Just when I was ready to show my belly I got cold cocked. My heart got broke again and as I sat there in the midst of my shattered dreams and hopes I had a bit of an awakening. Maybe one of those once in a lifetime sparks of self awareness. It was this: ok this place seems really familiar (heartbreak). What if for once in my life I don’t rush to recreate the structure called Jamie so quickly. What if I look and SEE how I might reassemble in a new way. That my fine friends, that little tiny spark ended up burning my whole inner house down. Sometimes in Nature a fire happens to restore order and beauty and balance. In my case that’s what happened.
So dear reader you may be asking what the heck this all has to do with leaving home? Good question. That ignition of awareness propelled me to take a journey that altered my direction for the remainder of my life. However it required leaving home again – my newly adapted coastal home. I had lived here for 5 years and experienced some of the most brilliant and challenging moments of my life. I had found the place I felt like I belonged, people I connected with – a community – a true sense of home. And now I was pulled to leave to go on another journey – one that felt like Life or Death, Now or Never. To move all the way across country to California and a destiny yet to be determined. I knew I had to go, had to against all good judgment leave the Known again for the Unknown. For some reason it felt like my roots were being ripped from the ground and I was dying for nourishment.
I’m not ashamed to admit I cried most of the way driving across country. Cried for the leaving of friends and family. Cried for the sad state called my creation – my life. Cried for being 40 years old and having to take another journey into what? To where?
You got it – the Unknown. But guess what? It was even better than that first time so many years ago. The changes that came about inside me as a result of that leaving home part two were lasting and radically transformational. Life altering actually.
And you wanna know the best part? I came back home. Back to my beloved seaside community when I learned once and for all that all I can ever do is embrace the not knowing and love it.
Wow. I’ll never doubt the Unknown again.
Ever.
Again.
J
But what would wisdom be without the mistakes and failures to inform us and lead us to a place of awareness if we’re so lucky? That’s the keyword however – inform. If you’re like me, then a hard head tends to batter things numerous times before the way around becomes clear. My lessons came hard and fast. I don’t go quietly – never have. It’s all or nothing, 100% conviction, damn the torpedo’s, screw convention, take the path less traveled type of strategies.
Let’s flash forward a couple of decades, multiple relationships, lots of debts, a son, plenty of scars both emotional and physical, and at least half a dozen near death experiences. Not to say it was all wreckage and disaster – it wasn’t. But underneath my battered facade I was getting tired of repeating myself and getting the same results. What’s that adage? The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result? Something like that. That was me.
Anyway by the time I reached 40 years on the planet I was ready for a change from that behavior. I thought maybe convention wasn’t so bad. Maybe that worn path was worth following. Maybe my head was better off not being used to ram things. Maybe I’d just settle down and live a quiet life of…desperation? Normalcy? Why not I thought. I’m done searching for the Holy Grail of Happiness. Fug it.
Well guess what? Life had other ideas (duh!). Just when I was ready to show my belly I got cold cocked. My heart got broke again and as I sat there in the midst of my shattered dreams and hopes I had a bit of an awakening. Maybe one of those once in a lifetime sparks of self awareness. It was this: ok this place seems really familiar (heartbreak). What if for once in my life I don’t rush to recreate the structure called Jamie so quickly. What if I look and SEE how I might reassemble in a new way. That my fine friends, that little tiny spark ended up burning my whole inner house down. Sometimes in Nature a fire happens to restore order and beauty and balance. In my case that’s what happened.
So dear reader you may be asking what the heck this all has to do with leaving home? Good question. That ignition of awareness propelled me to take a journey that altered my direction for the remainder of my life. However it required leaving home again – my newly adapted coastal home. I had lived here for 5 years and experienced some of the most brilliant and challenging moments of my life. I had found the place I felt like I belonged, people I connected with – a community – a true sense of home. And now I was pulled to leave to go on another journey – one that felt like Life or Death, Now or Never. To move all the way across country to California and a destiny yet to be determined. I knew I had to go, had to against all good judgment leave the Known again for the Unknown. For some reason it felt like my roots were being ripped from the ground and I was dying for nourishment.
I’m not ashamed to admit I cried most of the way driving across country. Cried for the leaving of friends and family. Cried for the sad state called my creation – my life. Cried for being 40 years old and having to take another journey into what? To where?
You got it – the Unknown. But guess what? It was even better than that first time so many years ago. The changes that came about inside me as a result of that leaving home part two were lasting and radically transformational. Life altering actually.
And you wanna know the best part? I came back home. Back to my beloved seaside community when I learned once and for all that all I can ever do is embrace the not knowing and love it.
Wow. I’ll never doubt the Unknown again.
Ever.
Again.
J
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