Oh I am feeling blah blah blah and have nothing to say but I'm SO tired of seeing the last blog stare me in the face every time I open my website. I decided it would be fun to open the folder on my computer called Writings & Ramblings and see what I discovered. It's a major copout but so what? It's my party and I can cry if I want to. Here's what I uncovered and it instantly took me back to that moment in time where Life leaned down and patted me on the head and said, "good boy".
And the rest my friends is history...
Well dear friends, it’s the year 2003 and frankly Miracles still do exist. A wedding is in the works and the two lucky contestants are J. Meghan McChesney and J. Jamie Gilroy. The Universe in all of its infinite wisdom and unending humor conspired to unite these two souls (for better or for worse) in a lovely display of Serendipity.
As a testament to what is possible when one shrugs their shoulders and says simply “can a brother catch a break here?” I supplicated the benevolent Universe to bring me an answer to my question – “am I destined to be alone in this Life (SWM single dad seeking Irish American Princess)?” Not hearing anything and being incredibly impatient I chucked myself into the unknown abyss figuring the answer may lie there, or in lieu of an answer a good adrenaline rush would suffice. Well imagine my surprise when Meghan appeared right before my very eyes (her face too all contorted by the G-forces of her own abyss free fall). I was like, “hey what are you doing in my Dream? Wanna get married?” I saw my minimal chance and pounced on it… Anyhow she claims in the rushing of the wind she heard “Isn’t San Diego a lovely city…?” And of course she answered “YES!!!”
The rest folks, is history. Being a good little Toltec, Meghan is being impeccable with her word and is honoring her answer of "yes" to whatever my question was. As a result, we are to be married of the 30th day of the fair month of May in year 2003. We would love it if you could join us in a wonderful celebration of love, laughter, and wild tribal dancing. If you can’t please just send money.
I love you, and I’m sure Meg does too…
J. Jamie James Brewster McChesney Gilroy
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
From Nothing
I’ve been following the news like everyone. The King of Pop is dead. The Dream Angel for boys my age is gone too. The moonwalk is gone. The one piece bathing suit fantasy too. What is it when icons die? How do we cope? Where do we file that info? When a god dies, the demi-gods are filled with angst and fear. The common folk weep when their idol perishes; when great lights are blown out. It doesn’t matter if those lights were freaky, we still are drawn to them, mere moths to their brilliant celebrity…
So I’ve been watching Bodhi, my two year old. He is magnificently filled with so much life. He not only is growing fast, but absorbing everything and learning at an accelerated rate too. He is getting to be himself – a little bundle of personality. He is beginning to believe his dream. I love it. But sometimes I look at him and realize he came from nothing.
A sperm on its own is unable to create. An egg by itself cannot produce Life. Each depends on the other to merge and unify and begin the process of Creation. But really from nothing comes something. And how much does that something develop into a person, a personality? I see that with Bo – he is becoming a personality. It is beautiful to watch this process, but I also wonder at what point does the personality take on a life of its own? When does it just find its place in the world? Or does it need to continuously seek attention, constantly reinventing itself? When can talent or looks be enough? Or do we as mere mortals project our yearnings onto our “stars”, those “exceptional beings” and ask more of them to satisfy our own longings?
I mean all of us originally came from nothing. Are any of us greater or more talented or prettier or smarter than anyone else? Sure if you believe that. But that doesn’t change the fact that we all came forth from Life and eventually in death, return to Life.
And that my dear friend makes us all the same.
No?
Long live the King of Pop. Long live our favorite Angel. But please don’t forget where we all came from…
J
So I’ve been watching Bodhi, my two year old. He is magnificently filled with so much life. He not only is growing fast, but absorbing everything and learning at an accelerated rate too. He is getting to be himself – a little bundle of personality. He is beginning to believe his dream. I love it. But sometimes I look at him and realize he came from nothing.
A sperm on its own is unable to create. An egg by itself cannot produce Life. Each depends on the other to merge and unify and begin the process of Creation. But really from nothing comes something. And how much does that something develop into a person, a personality? I see that with Bo – he is becoming a personality. It is beautiful to watch this process, but I also wonder at what point does the personality take on a life of its own? When does it just find its place in the world? Or does it need to continuously seek attention, constantly reinventing itself? When can talent or looks be enough? Or do we as mere mortals project our yearnings onto our “stars”, those “exceptional beings” and ask more of them to satisfy our own longings?
I mean all of us originally came from nothing. Are any of us greater or more talented or prettier or smarter than anyone else? Sure if you believe that. But that doesn’t change the fact that we all came forth from Life and eventually in death, return to Life.
And that my dear friend makes us all the same.
No?
Long live the King of Pop. Long live our favorite Angel. But please don’t forget where we all came from…
J
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Romance: Part Two
Editors note: please re-read Part One again.
M: But some people would say that that doesn’t sound like real life.
J: Of course it doesn’t. What happens in real life? Someone gets cancer and dies. Someone rejects you because your thighs are too big, your nose is too short. It’s all these expectations and judgments. We’ve been conditioned to see that it’s the goal, it’s the end game. It’s what does it look like after the romance. How many people say, “Oh yeah, romance is great but now we are married? Oh, I am married with children. Driver carries no cash, his wife has it all.” You know there are all these little things that support the belief that the romance at some point ends. Everyone wants a fairy tale ending but doesn’t believe it. Or people say, “Oh, that’s just a Hollywood ending. That’s Hollywood. It’s make believe.” Well, guess what? Your whole life is make believe. Why wouldn’t you make believe it in that way? I am with my beloved. Each second that I am with her is like a pit full of honey, dripping over each of our bodies. Rose petals falling from the sky. Moonlit walks. Tenderness that is so unbelievably excruciating in its tenderness. Is that make believe? Some people may say so. For me, it’s my life. That’s how I live my life. And that’s how I plan to live my life to the very last moment. And that romance is not with something outside of me. It’s with Life itself. It’s not focused just on my wife or my sons or my dog or my friends who agree with me. It’s focused on the entire thing that’s called LIFE. That thing that is coursing through everyone of us, moving through every tree, every plant. Every animal on this planet is alive in that way and it’s romance. It is romance. So say whatever you want to say. Say it’s not possible. That it ends after you get married. It ends after you have children. It ends after you get divorced. It ends with the angry client, the estranged sibling, the disappointed boss, the shitty economy and your vanishing wealth, your family of origin, the other side of the tracks you grew up in, the color of your skin. No. It never ends. And I’m here to tell you that. Ever. Unless you say it does. Unless you no longer want to live a romantic life. Don’t you see we choose. No one does that for us. Sure we all have valid reasons for being miserable, for being so unhappy. The litany of reasons is both long and varied. But when do we say, “I want this now before I die.” What if we really understood how unbelievably short our time here is? Wouldn’t we spend every possible second seeking out the honey like a little bear cub? Some of you in the audience are most certainly wondering if this doesn’t sound like some ecstasy fueled fantasy. That I must certainly get angry, yell at the kids, wake up grumpy, have my bad days. Absolutely. But what I also do is remember what the ecstasy feels like and seek to go back there. What being out of Romance with Life feels like. Let me tell you this. It feels like crap. And the more I’m in that romantic place the better I get at getting myself back there when I fall of the horse. Sure it happens. So what? What are you going to judge me for taking myself out of the honey pit? Do you judge yourself? What if for once you didn’t? What would happen? Would the big ol’ Wizard of Oz be exposed? An old man pulling levers behind a façade? Nothing there substantial at all? The honey of Romance is what’s substantial my friends. I have no doubt whatsoever. Now where is your doubt? Where is your faith?
Close your eyes for a moment and just imagine the exhilarating feeling of loving yourself and everything outside of you so much that your whole being is shimmering and light. What about it? What are we waiting for…?
M: (sigh)
END.
Enjoy the sweetness.
Love to you all,
J
M: But some people would say that that doesn’t sound like real life.
J: Of course it doesn’t. What happens in real life? Someone gets cancer and dies. Someone rejects you because your thighs are too big, your nose is too short. It’s all these expectations and judgments. We’ve been conditioned to see that it’s the goal, it’s the end game. It’s what does it look like after the romance. How many people say, “Oh yeah, romance is great but now we are married? Oh, I am married with children. Driver carries no cash, his wife has it all.” You know there are all these little things that support the belief that the romance at some point ends. Everyone wants a fairy tale ending but doesn’t believe it. Or people say, “Oh, that’s just a Hollywood ending. That’s Hollywood. It’s make believe.” Well, guess what? Your whole life is make believe. Why wouldn’t you make believe it in that way? I am with my beloved. Each second that I am with her is like a pit full of honey, dripping over each of our bodies. Rose petals falling from the sky. Moonlit walks. Tenderness that is so unbelievably excruciating in its tenderness. Is that make believe? Some people may say so. For me, it’s my life. That’s how I live my life. And that’s how I plan to live my life to the very last moment. And that romance is not with something outside of me. It’s with Life itself. It’s not focused just on my wife or my sons or my dog or my friends who agree with me. It’s focused on the entire thing that’s called LIFE. That thing that is coursing through everyone of us, moving through every tree, every plant. Every animal on this planet is alive in that way and it’s romance. It is romance. So say whatever you want to say. Say it’s not possible. That it ends after you get married. It ends after you have children. It ends after you get divorced. It ends with the angry client, the estranged sibling, the disappointed boss, the shitty economy and your vanishing wealth, your family of origin, the other side of the tracks you grew up in, the color of your skin. No. It never ends. And I’m here to tell you that. Ever. Unless you say it does. Unless you no longer want to live a romantic life. Don’t you see we choose. No one does that for us. Sure we all have valid reasons for being miserable, for being so unhappy. The litany of reasons is both long and varied. But when do we say, “I want this now before I die.” What if we really understood how unbelievably short our time here is? Wouldn’t we spend every possible second seeking out the honey like a little bear cub? Some of you in the audience are most certainly wondering if this doesn’t sound like some ecstasy fueled fantasy. That I must certainly get angry, yell at the kids, wake up grumpy, have my bad days. Absolutely. But what I also do is remember what the ecstasy feels like and seek to go back there. What being out of Romance with Life feels like. Let me tell you this. It feels like crap. And the more I’m in that romantic place the better I get at getting myself back there when I fall of the horse. Sure it happens. So what? What are you going to judge me for taking myself out of the honey pit? Do you judge yourself? What if for once you didn’t? What would happen? Would the big ol’ Wizard of Oz be exposed? An old man pulling levers behind a façade? Nothing there substantial at all? The honey of Romance is what’s substantial my friends. I have no doubt whatsoever. Now where is your doubt? Where is your faith?
Close your eyes for a moment and just imagine the exhilarating feeling of loving yourself and everything outside of you so much that your whole being is shimmering and light. What about it? What are we waiting for…?
M: (sigh)
END.
Enjoy the sweetness.
Love to you all,
J
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Romance - Part One
I have been in a bit of a funk recently. Blame the weather. Blame the dog, the toddler, the wife, the job, the economy. Whatever. I found this inspiration for my next blog in a folder on my computer desktop called Writings. Not remembering what it was I opened it. The following conversation was transcribed from a workshop Meg & I gave a few years ago and we were discussing what romance really meant. In reading it over the funk I’ve been in lifted like the fog on the harbor this morning – just burned off from the relentless shine of the sun. Sometimes I need to remind myself of what the hell I’m really doing here. I share part of this transcript with you now. Enjoy.
J: Do you see how romance is everywhere in life? Unless you are just are a hardened person, or a criminal, or someone who has been so abused by the dream of the planet that they are cynical. We aren’t looking for cynics. Ok, so they’re cynics. Go enjoy it, have fun with it. I am looking for the romantics of the world. Closet romantics. Those people who dream of their beloved coming to them and taking an orchid and stroking their entire body with that flower. Wearing a light cotton kimono, a Japanese robe on a hot summer night and feeling the thrill of their lover as they untie the knot that holds it together. And slowly that kimono falls and parts. And it’s like mystery. It’s like looking up at a starry night in the middle of summer and the mystery of life. Don’t you see that? And in the parting of that kimono and the touch of his hand on her hip. Romance. Right there. And anyone can have it! Large, small, white, black, fat, ugly, gorgeous. It doesn’t matter. Romance is not a physicality. Romance is an inner quality. And it’s how you look at it. Everything is romantic. Everything. The walk in the morning. The dog walk in the morning and the smell of the ocean and the caw of the seagull and the light breeze blowing your hair and you feel like life is making love to you. What could be more romantic than that?
M: But how do you teach that to someone?
J: You teach it by showing examples. How do you learn anything in this life? 2 + 2 = 4. How do you learn that? They show you. They give you an example. They write the number 2 and the plus sign and the next 2, the equal sign and the 4. There is great romance in this world. Shakespeare has written some of the most romantic sonnets. Things that will blow your mind. There are books – The Bridges of Madison County – people scoffed at it. Why? Because they are cynical. They don’t believe in romance. I cried. I bawled my eyes out like Richard Simmons when I read that book. Poetry. There is great poetry. Poetry that a book called These luminous Things and there are poems in there from around the country. Rumi. Have you ever read Rumi? I grow moist when I read Rumi.
M: You’re supposed to go hard.
J: I grow hard when I read Rumi. Listen there all these great movies. Don Juan Demarco. Watch that over. You teach people the basic thing that you are going to teach people has nothing to do with romance and has everything to do with them. Who’s going to give you the opportunity to be romantic? Am I going to wait for you to be romantic with me? No. I’m going to be romantic with every aspect of my life. Brushing my teeth, brushing my hair, when I look in the mirror I don’t judge what I see. I love what I see. That’s where the romance begins. So. You have to start with people and their beliefs about themselves. It does come back to that. But you don’t linger there. You don’t spend tons of time. You say, “Look it’s your choice.” You want to feel differently about yourself, then just try it. Humor me in the next two days during the workshop, I want you to just put it on like a mask if you have to and wear and believe in it. Don’t have any doubts and don’t worry about what happens when the seminar is over and you go back to your life. Just be right here, right now in this moment and take my hand and I will lead you on the most romantic journey of your life. Are you ready?
M: I’ll sign up!
J: And this is how you do it. And it’s like a virus this romance, think about it. If it spreads, think about the romance that will be going on all around the world. People are having romance with their pets, with their parents, with their friends, with their co-workers. Every moment for each person is a romance and it’s not what you think it looks like. It’s not always someone coming and saving you, for women, or the knight on the white horse, chivalrous, and strong. It’s not going to look like how you think it’s going to look. But I guarantee you with the eyes of the romantic, everything is romantic in this world. Everything. Standing on the stoop with someone that you are so attracted too. You’ve just gone on a beautiful date and you’ve had an amazing meal, great conversation, had a bottle of wine, and you just feel like you are full. Full of love, full of romance. And you walk her to the door and you take her right to the front door and there is that beautiful moment where you are pausing, she’s pausing. And you’re not wondering, “Do I kiss her?” You’re thinking, “This is such a beautiful moment. I want this moment to last forever.” And suddenly you feel each of your bodies leaning towards one another. Your lips reaching for the other’s lips and you kiss and that first kiss is remarkable. It’s like fireworks are going off. That can happen over and over again. I’m here to tell you it happens over and over again. And that’s all. You say good night then. It doesn’t have to go any farther. You stood in the moonlight on a cold fall night saying goodnight to this person you spent 4-5 hours with. And you give the gentlest, the tenderest of kisses. And your lips touch and they melt together and then they come apart. And in that coming apart is like when you take a spoonful of honey and that last little strand of honey goes into your tea cup. Do you see? That’s enough. You don’t have to go upstairs. You don’t have to rip your clothes off. All you have to do is see the romance in that moment. And that carries the next time you talk to that person. The excitement. The giddiness. The childlike energy that you are feeling in your body is beautiful. That’s romance.
And I'll tell you that we do diminish romance once we have obtained what we think our goal is. This is the key. We always think that the goal is to possess the other person, to have the other person, to have certainty that they want to be with us forever, that we want to be with them forever. They're the one. We're the one. Their in-laws are nice. My parents are nice. It's ridiculous. That's not the goal. The goal is to keep that moment, that kiss where you separate and the honey, the strands of honey between your two lips are pulling apart gently. That moment and I'm here to tell you this, that moment is pure romance, I've experienced it and I know it to be true. For me, it's true. That moment can exist permanently between two people
M: But some people would say that that doesn’t sound like real life.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Love,
J
J: Do you see how romance is everywhere in life? Unless you are just are a hardened person, or a criminal, or someone who has been so abused by the dream of the planet that they are cynical. We aren’t looking for cynics. Ok, so they’re cynics. Go enjoy it, have fun with it. I am looking for the romantics of the world. Closet romantics. Those people who dream of their beloved coming to them and taking an orchid and stroking their entire body with that flower. Wearing a light cotton kimono, a Japanese robe on a hot summer night and feeling the thrill of their lover as they untie the knot that holds it together. And slowly that kimono falls and parts. And it’s like mystery. It’s like looking up at a starry night in the middle of summer and the mystery of life. Don’t you see that? And in the parting of that kimono and the touch of his hand on her hip. Romance. Right there. And anyone can have it! Large, small, white, black, fat, ugly, gorgeous. It doesn’t matter. Romance is not a physicality. Romance is an inner quality. And it’s how you look at it. Everything is romantic. Everything. The walk in the morning. The dog walk in the morning and the smell of the ocean and the caw of the seagull and the light breeze blowing your hair and you feel like life is making love to you. What could be more romantic than that?
M: But how do you teach that to someone?
J: You teach it by showing examples. How do you learn anything in this life? 2 + 2 = 4. How do you learn that? They show you. They give you an example. They write the number 2 and the plus sign and the next 2, the equal sign and the 4. There is great romance in this world. Shakespeare has written some of the most romantic sonnets. Things that will blow your mind. There are books – The Bridges of Madison County – people scoffed at it. Why? Because they are cynical. They don’t believe in romance. I cried. I bawled my eyes out like Richard Simmons when I read that book. Poetry. There is great poetry. Poetry that a book called These luminous Things and there are poems in there from around the country. Rumi. Have you ever read Rumi? I grow moist when I read Rumi.
M: You’re supposed to go hard.
J: I grow hard when I read Rumi. Listen there all these great movies. Don Juan Demarco. Watch that over. You teach people the basic thing that you are going to teach people has nothing to do with romance and has everything to do with them. Who’s going to give you the opportunity to be romantic? Am I going to wait for you to be romantic with me? No. I’m going to be romantic with every aspect of my life. Brushing my teeth, brushing my hair, when I look in the mirror I don’t judge what I see. I love what I see. That’s where the romance begins. So. You have to start with people and their beliefs about themselves. It does come back to that. But you don’t linger there. You don’t spend tons of time. You say, “Look it’s your choice.” You want to feel differently about yourself, then just try it. Humor me in the next two days during the workshop, I want you to just put it on like a mask if you have to and wear and believe in it. Don’t have any doubts and don’t worry about what happens when the seminar is over and you go back to your life. Just be right here, right now in this moment and take my hand and I will lead you on the most romantic journey of your life. Are you ready?
M: I’ll sign up!
J: And this is how you do it. And it’s like a virus this romance, think about it. If it spreads, think about the romance that will be going on all around the world. People are having romance with their pets, with their parents, with their friends, with their co-workers. Every moment for each person is a romance and it’s not what you think it looks like. It’s not always someone coming and saving you, for women, or the knight on the white horse, chivalrous, and strong. It’s not going to look like how you think it’s going to look. But I guarantee you with the eyes of the romantic, everything is romantic in this world. Everything. Standing on the stoop with someone that you are so attracted too. You’ve just gone on a beautiful date and you’ve had an amazing meal, great conversation, had a bottle of wine, and you just feel like you are full. Full of love, full of romance. And you walk her to the door and you take her right to the front door and there is that beautiful moment where you are pausing, she’s pausing. And you’re not wondering, “Do I kiss her?” You’re thinking, “This is such a beautiful moment. I want this moment to last forever.” And suddenly you feel each of your bodies leaning towards one another. Your lips reaching for the other’s lips and you kiss and that first kiss is remarkable. It’s like fireworks are going off. That can happen over and over again. I’m here to tell you it happens over and over again. And that’s all. You say good night then. It doesn’t have to go any farther. You stood in the moonlight on a cold fall night saying goodnight to this person you spent 4-5 hours with. And you give the gentlest, the tenderest of kisses. And your lips touch and they melt together and then they come apart. And in that coming apart is like when you take a spoonful of honey and that last little strand of honey goes into your tea cup. Do you see? That’s enough. You don’t have to go upstairs. You don’t have to rip your clothes off. All you have to do is see the romance in that moment. And that carries the next time you talk to that person. The excitement. The giddiness. The childlike energy that you are feeling in your body is beautiful. That’s romance.
And I'll tell you that we do diminish romance once we have obtained what we think our goal is. This is the key. We always think that the goal is to possess the other person, to have the other person, to have certainty that they want to be with us forever, that we want to be with them forever. They're the one. We're the one. Their in-laws are nice. My parents are nice. It's ridiculous. That's not the goal. The goal is to keep that moment, that kiss where you separate and the honey, the strands of honey between your two lips are pulling apart gently. That moment and I'm here to tell you this, that moment is pure romance, I've experienced it and I know it to be true. For me, it's true. That moment can exist permanently between two people
M: But some people would say that that doesn’t sound like real life.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Love,
J
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I Promise You'll Be Enlightened in This Life
My oldest brother emailed me an article this morning about finding a spiritual teacher. The author of the article studied with Kalu Rimpoche a Tibetan Buddhist lama who passed away in 1989 at the age of 84. He was a very famous guru with many followers. Reading this article that was sent to me kindled memories of my own journey on the Tibetan Buddhist path.
The title of this blog was actually said to me by my guru at the time, Sonam T. Kazi. Or “Mr. Kazi” as the majority of his students or Sangha called him. (Sangha: group of followers of a particular teacher and belief system). The exception was a handful of “senior” students who had been with him since his arrival in the United States in the late seventies. They called him Sonam. Anyhow, I had been studying with Mr. Kazi for quite some time. Being a good carpenter and a faithful student I would spend almost every weekend of the year working on his property in upstate New York. After one particularly extensive project was completed he took me aside and smiling said, “I promise you’ll be enlightened in this life”. I was stunned by this comment. Having all of my faith (ok, Faith) wrapped up in the Dzogchen practice of Tibetan Buddhism, and all of my time and energy and beliefs also invested in this path that comment certainly got my attention. Here was my guru (ok, Guru) who we all (the Sangha) believed was the Buddha himself telling me, a humble carpenter, that I was going to reach that penultimate goal in this very lifetime. Wow! My mind in those days was still a mess of superstition, drama, limiting beliefs, and fear. Sure, I had glimpses of clarity but I was about as close to reaching enlightenment as I was to playing a round of golf on the moon. (Ed. Note: I hate golf.)
I was also very familiar with the trials and tribulations of millions of worthy (certainly even worthier than myself) seekers willing to wait for the next life or if not then, ten lifetimes in the future before being fortunate enough to accrue enough good karma to reach their final attainment. How could it be that I was to be singled out for this wonderful attribute? And how could another human being even guarantee such a thing?
“You have to do everything your guru tells you only as it pertains to your spiritual practice.”
What I discovered was there was quite a bit of belief wrapped up in that little dumpling of a blessing I received that day. And more than a garnishing of self importance. (Ed. Note: I have noticed the amount of self importance in oneself is about equal to the amount of insecurity in oneself). I certainly was operating under the assumption that this person, my guru, knew what was best for me, and knew the most expeditious way to the top of the mountain. In giving away all of my faith to him (Faith) I was also giving away my discrimination. The argument here goes like this: if your teacher is the Buddha himself, then what place do I as a mere seeker have for discrimination? Isn’t that what got me in trouble (see: lifetimes of suffering) in the first place? So in giving up my ability to make choices based in “how does it feel” and relying on “what should I do in the name of Realization” I followed post haste on the instructions given me. Not all of those directions were just based on my spiritual practice. Some were clearly mundane, physical and from my point of view then however, they were all designed to release my attachments to how I thought things should be. In retrospect I’m not so sure. Looking back on it now I felt like a leaf in a swift river.
Is this confusing? Maybe so. But it’s like this: I handed the keys to another human being and said, “you drive my life”. That was my choice since no one held a gun to my head. But I also saw how dependent we all became to letting someone else direct our movie. Certainly at the time I did not recognize that much of my compliance was based in fear; the fear of going against the Dharma, disobeying the Guru, letting down the Sangha, but in retrospect it was. Could another person really bring us to that ultimate destination? And what was that place really?
I came to see as the years went by that there are many teachers, guides, angels, lamas, gurus, yogis, friends, pets, ex-wives, and children who have SO much to show and teach us. But they cannot manifest Happiness inside of us. Yes, they can point the way. They can describe the view. They can inspire us to climb even higher. They can mop our brow and dry our tears and wipe the snot from our nose. They can hold us like our mother did. They can motivate us like our father did. They can break our hearts when we glimpse their humanity. They can show us enlightenment is in fact still chopping wood and still carrying water. Still cleaning a shitty diaper. Still making poor choices. Still stumbling and yet still dusting our sorry selves off and climbing onward. And maybe we learn along the way to be able to let the mind go and merge with our own Heart, the Infinite.
I look back on the ten years I tried my best to be a good chela (student). I see my teacher in a whole new light now 20 years removed from his feet. I look back on it all as one looks at the progress of a child learning to walk – a mixture of gratitude and wonder that they did and a feeling of I’m glad that’s over with.
Now I know how to walk. Am I enlightened as promised?
Hey, can anyone hear that sound of one hand clapping I keep hearing?
What?
J
The title of this blog was actually said to me by my guru at the time, Sonam T. Kazi. Or “Mr. Kazi” as the majority of his students or Sangha called him. (Sangha: group of followers of a particular teacher and belief system). The exception was a handful of “senior” students who had been with him since his arrival in the United States in the late seventies. They called him Sonam. Anyhow, I had been studying with Mr. Kazi for quite some time. Being a good carpenter and a faithful student I would spend almost every weekend of the year working on his property in upstate New York. After one particularly extensive project was completed he took me aside and smiling said, “I promise you’ll be enlightened in this life”. I was stunned by this comment. Having all of my faith (ok, Faith) wrapped up in the Dzogchen practice of Tibetan Buddhism, and all of my time and energy and beliefs also invested in this path that comment certainly got my attention. Here was my guru (ok, Guru) who we all (the Sangha) believed was the Buddha himself telling me, a humble carpenter, that I was going to reach that penultimate goal in this very lifetime. Wow! My mind in those days was still a mess of superstition, drama, limiting beliefs, and fear. Sure, I had glimpses of clarity but I was about as close to reaching enlightenment as I was to playing a round of golf on the moon. (Ed. Note: I hate golf.)
I was also very familiar with the trials and tribulations of millions of worthy (certainly even worthier than myself) seekers willing to wait for the next life or if not then, ten lifetimes in the future before being fortunate enough to accrue enough good karma to reach their final attainment. How could it be that I was to be singled out for this wonderful attribute? And how could another human being even guarantee such a thing?
“You have to do everything your guru tells you only as it pertains to your spiritual practice.”
What I discovered was there was quite a bit of belief wrapped up in that little dumpling of a blessing I received that day. And more than a garnishing of self importance. (Ed. Note: I have noticed the amount of self importance in oneself is about equal to the amount of insecurity in oneself). I certainly was operating under the assumption that this person, my guru, knew what was best for me, and knew the most expeditious way to the top of the mountain. In giving away all of my faith to him (Faith) I was also giving away my discrimination. The argument here goes like this: if your teacher is the Buddha himself, then what place do I as a mere seeker have for discrimination? Isn’t that what got me in trouble (see: lifetimes of suffering) in the first place? So in giving up my ability to make choices based in “how does it feel” and relying on “what should I do in the name of Realization” I followed post haste on the instructions given me. Not all of those directions were just based on my spiritual practice. Some were clearly mundane, physical and from my point of view then however, they were all designed to release my attachments to how I thought things should be. In retrospect I’m not so sure. Looking back on it now I felt like a leaf in a swift river.
Is this confusing? Maybe so. But it’s like this: I handed the keys to another human being and said, “you drive my life”. That was my choice since no one held a gun to my head. But I also saw how dependent we all became to letting someone else direct our movie. Certainly at the time I did not recognize that much of my compliance was based in fear; the fear of going against the Dharma, disobeying the Guru, letting down the Sangha, but in retrospect it was. Could another person really bring us to that ultimate destination? And what was that place really?
I came to see as the years went by that there are many teachers, guides, angels, lamas, gurus, yogis, friends, pets, ex-wives, and children who have SO much to show and teach us. But they cannot manifest Happiness inside of us. Yes, they can point the way. They can describe the view. They can inspire us to climb even higher. They can mop our brow and dry our tears and wipe the snot from our nose. They can hold us like our mother did. They can motivate us like our father did. They can break our hearts when we glimpse their humanity. They can show us enlightenment is in fact still chopping wood and still carrying water. Still cleaning a shitty diaper. Still making poor choices. Still stumbling and yet still dusting our sorry selves off and climbing onward. And maybe we learn along the way to be able to let the mind go and merge with our own Heart, the Infinite.
I look back on the ten years I tried my best to be a good chela (student). I see my teacher in a whole new light now 20 years removed from his feet. I look back on it all as one looks at the progress of a child learning to walk – a mixture of gratitude and wonder that they did and a feeling of I’m glad that’s over with.
Now I know how to walk. Am I enlightened as promised?
Hey, can anyone hear that sound of one hand clapping I keep hearing?
What?
J
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Kung Fu Dreams
"Because a man can see, he does not look." — Master Po.
I’m sure most of you read about the passing of David Carradine recently. The details and speculation around his death were more and more revealing as the case went on, starting with suicide, and ending up as an auto erotic act gone awry. If you type his name on Google you will learn everything you never wanted to know about the man.
For me I will always remember him as Kwai Chang Caine the humble yet capable Shaolin monk. He was a Buddhist monk who kills the emperor’s nephew (for killing his beloved master – I know that’s being a bad Buddhist) and flees to America and the wild, Wild West. For the three years that show aired (1972-75) I was glued to the TV. I was 14 years old and idolized this character. He was gentle and soft spoken, yet always sublimely aware of his surroundings. When pushed he could diffuse a situation with a minimum of violence, and typically with his bare hands. There was no gratuitous bloodshed and over blown firepower like ninety-nine percent of what’s on TV now. Watching the show you always knew he would run into some heavies and there was going to be a showdown. Yet the way in which he used his skills had no ego attached to it. He always helped those less capable, and usually the underprivileged. He was also very cool. He grew his hair long. He played the flute and carried very little in the way of possessions. He wandered the western landscape in bare feet. He practiced his art form daily.
In fact I was hooked by the portrayal of this solitary monk wandering from place to place sowing peace and harmony. For me the desire to study martial arts and eastern philosophy had its origins in this TV character. How cool would it be to disarm a bad guy and be the quiet hero? What freedom to be able to go wherever you are called to go with no attachments. To meditate, to do tai chi by a flowing river, to never stay long enough in one place to put down roots.
Six years later I found myself doing my best to live this dream. I applied to a school called the Blue Poppy Chi Kung Association who according to their brochure “was dedicated to training Knights without armor”. Sign me up! So my buddy Val and I left NYC and headed to Boulder for the summer of 1980. I was 22 years old.
For an entire summer I ate, slept, and breathed the Caine dream. I walked around Boulder in bare feet, I practiced Chi Kung daily, bathed in Boulder Creek, and spared with Val on the lawn of the public library. I carried a wooden samurai sword on my back wherever I went and Val carried a wooden staff. We went up to the mountains and tripped on mushrooms. We danced and drank until the bars closed and then went to the all night diner and ate breakfast. We barely slept. We studied Chinese medicine with the founder of the school. We practiced kung fu by a flowing river, the occasional homeless guy wandering through our class and no one flinching as he weaved through the group. We stood for an hour in horse stance with our master, no one moving a muscle even to swat at a pesky fly or the master would yell at us. I know I tried my hardest to integrate this dream that was born years earlier watching a TV character that I fully believed was real. The truth is I was human too.
I left Boulder that summer to pursue a woman I had been living with in NYC who now was living with some older (28!) guy in Portland Oregon. There was some tension as word filtered back to my girlfriend that Val & I were hitchhiking to Portland for a showdown with her new boyfriend. In fact it was all hype. I think a bunch of pool furniture ended up in their swimming pool in a drunken act of defiance. I’m pretty sure Val had to fish it out by himself as I had driven off into the night to sleep off my hangover. Anyway.
My point is we are all human and the images of perfection don’t always synch up to what we live in the course of our daily life, or the choices we make in the moment.
David Carradine was not the TV character he played in 1972. In my mind he would have led a quiet contemplative life finally settling down and meeting a good companion. Maybe have a few kids. Teach them his art. Be the old wise man. Then fade away peacefully. Yet his last act was laid bare for the entire world to see.
Yes there is a tinge of sadness that a hero is exposed as human with real foibles. And yes there is another tinge of sadness that that young man that moved to Colorado with hopes of being the next Kwai Chang Caine put away his sword and put on shoes and found a job and pursued some kind of security.
There is no bad in that of course. I just wonder if the dream of who we might be and the reality of who we are will ever merge. Is it possible? Can the fantastic and heroic image and the everyday ordinary image blend together so as to lose the distinctions? Can we live the way we know how in our heart of hearts and satisfy both divisions?
Is there a way to live nobly? And to die nobly?
Master Po: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Young Caine: I hear the water, I hear the birds.
Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
Caine: No.
Po: Do you hear the grasshopper that is at your feet?
Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?
See you out there on the road, listening.
Peace.
J
I’m sure most of you read about the passing of David Carradine recently. The details and speculation around his death were more and more revealing as the case went on, starting with suicide, and ending up as an auto erotic act gone awry. If you type his name on Google you will learn everything you never wanted to know about the man.
For me I will always remember him as Kwai Chang Caine the humble yet capable Shaolin monk. He was a Buddhist monk who kills the emperor’s nephew (for killing his beloved master – I know that’s being a bad Buddhist) and flees to America and the wild, Wild West. For the three years that show aired (1972-75) I was glued to the TV. I was 14 years old and idolized this character. He was gentle and soft spoken, yet always sublimely aware of his surroundings. When pushed he could diffuse a situation with a minimum of violence, and typically with his bare hands. There was no gratuitous bloodshed and over blown firepower like ninety-nine percent of what’s on TV now. Watching the show you always knew he would run into some heavies and there was going to be a showdown. Yet the way in which he used his skills had no ego attached to it. He always helped those less capable, and usually the underprivileged. He was also very cool. He grew his hair long. He played the flute and carried very little in the way of possessions. He wandered the western landscape in bare feet. He practiced his art form daily.
In fact I was hooked by the portrayal of this solitary monk wandering from place to place sowing peace and harmony. For me the desire to study martial arts and eastern philosophy had its origins in this TV character. How cool would it be to disarm a bad guy and be the quiet hero? What freedom to be able to go wherever you are called to go with no attachments. To meditate, to do tai chi by a flowing river, to never stay long enough in one place to put down roots.
Six years later I found myself doing my best to live this dream. I applied to a school called the Blue Poppy Chi Kung Association who according to their brochure “was dedicated to training Knights without armor”. Sign me up! So my buddy Val and I left NYC and headed to Boulder for the summer of 1980. I was 22 years old.
For an entire summer I ate, slept, and breathed the Caine dream. I walked around Boulder in bare feet, I practiced Chi Kung daily, bathed in Boulder Creek, and spared with Val on the lawn of the public library. I carried a wooden samurai sword on my back wherever I went and Val carried a wooden staff. We went up to the mountains and tripped on mushrooms. We danced and drank until the bars closed and then went to the all night diner and ate breakfast. We barely slept. We studied Chinese medicine with the founder of the school. We practiced kung fu by a flowing river, the occasional homeless guy wandering through our class and no one flinching as he weaved through the group. We stood for an hour in horse stance with our master, no one moving a muscle even to swat at a pesky fly or the master would yell at us. I know I tried my hardest to integrate this dream that was born years earlier watching a TV character that I fully believed was real. The truth is I was human too.
I left Boulder that summer to pursue a woman I had been living with in NYC who now was living with some older (28!) guy in Portland Oregon. There was some tension as word filtered back to my girlfriend that Val & I were hitchhiking to Portland for a showdown with her new boyfriend. In fact it was all hype. I think a bunch of pool furniture ended up in their swimming pool in a drunken act of defiance. I’m pretty sure Val had to fish it out by himself as I had driven off into the night to sleep off my hangover. Anyway.
My point is we are all human and the images of perfection don’t always synch up to what we live in the course of our daily life, or the choices we make in the moment.
David Carradine was not the TV character he played in 1972. In my mind he would have led a quiet contemplative life finally settling down and meeting a good companion. Maybe have a few kids. Teach them his art. Be the old wise man. Then fade away peacefully. Yet his last act was laid bare for the entire world to see.
Yes there is a tinge of sadness that a hero is exposed as human with real foibles. And yes there is another tinge of sadness that that young man that moved to Colorado with hopes of being the next Kwai Chang Caine put away his sword and put on shoes and found a job and pursued some kind of security.
There is no bad in that of course. I just wonder if the dream of who we might be and the reality of who we are will ever merge. Is it possible? Can the fantastic and heroic image and the everyday ordinary image blend together so as to lose the distinctions? Can we live the way we know how in our heart of hearts and satisfy both divisions?
Is there a way to live nobly? And to die nobly?
Master Po: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Young Caine: I hear the water, I hear the birds.
Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
Caine: No.
Po: Do you hear the grasshopper that is at your feet?
Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?
See you out there on the road, listening.
Peace.
J
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Unconditional Love
I heard this phrase while sitting at a table at an outdoor café in Portsmouth NH a couple of days ago. I was people watching and relaxing after a few hours on the Triumph, and not really focusing on what was being said around me. It was a warm sunny day and lots of people were gathered in the main square. Out of all the various garbled conversations that were going on I heard this phrase “unconditional love” loud and clear. I have no idea in what context it was being used but I heard it as if the person who said it was sitting at my table. And that’s all I heard.
This actually happens a lot to me. I will hear a word in a conversation nearby or in a song while driving and listening to the radio. The way I see it the Universe, aka LIFE is dropping a hint, or maybe a simple reminder.
So what do these two big words mean? For me they represent the gateway to Freedom. A door to Happiness. Not necessarily freedom without responsibility. Or not necessarily giddy happiness. But in essence real emancipation from our beliefs and stories that keep us small and limited. The happiness is contentment really; being fine with “what is” – no matter what it is. Unconditional. No conditions to our direct experience of Love.
Love. That one all inclusive word that can heal, inspire, make whole, and transcend the petty.
More often than not I forget that I once signed up to live my life in unconditional love. And yet even in forgetting I remember even more how much I love this life one hundred percent. The sweetness, the challenges, the yearning, and the acceptance. I may not like what shows up sometimes. I may actually go into resistance. But just under the surface of those experiences there is deeper place I can go to. A feeling that is so powerful. A way of living that is so expansive.
What if?
What if our hearts pumped nothing but Unconditional Love?
What would that be like? What world this world be like?
Pretty cool I bet. Even cooler than it already is…
Later gator-
J
This actually happens a lot to me. I will hear a word in a conversation nearby or in a song while driving and listening to the radio. The way I see it the Universe, aka LIFE is dropping a hint, or maybe a simple reminder.
So what do these two big words mean? For me they represent the gateway to Freedom. A door to Happiness. Not necessarily freedom without responsibility. Or not necessarily giddy happiness. But in essence real emancipation from our beliefs and stories that keep us small and limited. The happiness is contentment really; being fine with “what is” – no matter what it is. Unconditional. No conditions to our direct experience of Love.
Love. That one all inclusive word that can heal, inspire, make whole, and transcend the petty.
More often than not I forget that I once signed up to live my life in unconditional love. And yet even in forgetting I remember even more how much I love this life one hundred percent. The sweetness, the challenges, the yearning, and the acceptance. I may not like what shows up sometimes. I may actually go into resistance. But just under the surface of those experiences there is deeper place I can go to. A feeling that is so powerful. A way of living that is so expansive.
What if?
What if our hearts pumped nothing but Unconditional Love?
What would that be like? What world this world be like?
Pretty cool I bet. Even cooler than it already is…
Later gator-
J
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