My Brother, My Muse

My oldest brother and I play a game sometimes. He'll shoot me an email with some poetry or an obscure passage from an old Chinese mystic. I'll fire something back, and we'll parry on like this for days. My brother suddenly becomes my muse...

See for yourself.

drifting
in
and out of
belief
about
what
Is

possible

two butterflies
dance past
on an invisible
stage
leaving me to
wonder
how
things
got just so

complicated.

J

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Losing His Hero

Today in my morning meditation I was strongly feeling my middle brother David who passed away almost two months ago on November 20, 2023. He was 71 years old. A bit of preface here: He also was my abuser growing up (to clarify: emotional and physical, not sexual) and although I had reconciled those experiences through my own inner trauma work we never spoke directly about that time in our lives. We were never very close in our young adulthood although he was very generous when I moved to Encinitas CA to participate in don Miguel Ruiz’s Dreaming School in 2002. He and his wife Carol lived two towns over in Solana Beach. We interacted quite a bit sharing meals and dog walks on the beach and David took a real interest in my son Nick who was 12 at the time. It wasn’t until 20 years later that I became fully aware to the degree of harm I experienced at the hands of my brother while involved in some somatic therapy around my CPTSD diagnosis. I was becoming repeatedly trigg

Waking Up with the What Ifs

Apparently last night I had been dreaming of a life I left behind 11 years ago. Snippets of memory like peering through a gauzy veil, and scenes vaguely reminiscent of my life as a builder in a small coastal town north of Boston. I woke up with the What Ifs. You know how dreams are: like your eyes can’t completely focus, situations that are seemingly disconnected but maybe not, faces you know but can’t place, yet the feeling in the dream is quite real. I was back in Old Town and trying to figure out why the house I was in was unfinished. There was a meeting to be had there, but it was just me. I walked down a cobbled street to what I figured to be the office of the architect and it was a room of all glass and about 10 people seated around a glass table. I tried to get the attention of the man who was the architect on this particular job without disrupting the meeting. He looked like a friend who wasn’t an architect but a realtor and a neighbor. I wondered how he switched care

Mindset Like a Dog

This morning after getting the kids off to school I decided to take my dogs for a longer than usual hike on our local mountain. I took a couple big swigs of water, layered up, added hat and gloves, and headed out the gate. The dogs knew what was up and bounced around me, excited and eager for whatever lay ahead. Yet every time they see me putting on my boots it’s like they have never been walked before. Their excitement is fresh. Every day. How is it that they have no idea how long or short I am going to walk them, yet they are always down to walk? I never have to prod them out of their lethargy. Rain, snow, or sun, they are ready. Anytime. This got me to wondering what if I adopted this dog mindset? What exactly would that feel like? ******* Recently I’ve felt flat. Not super inspired. I’m attempting to increase my client base as a Mindset Coach and honestly renovating a 200-year-old house like in my former life feels markedly easier than landing new clients. It’s the

Before My Last Breath

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