My oldest brother emailed me an article this morning about finding a spiritual teacher. The author of the article studied with Kalu Rimpoche a Tibetan Buddhist lama who passed away in 1989 at the age of 84. He was a very famous guru with many followers. Reading this article that was sent to me kindled memories of my own journey on the Tibetan Buddhist path.
The title of this blog was actually said to me by my guru at the time, Sonam T. Kazi. Or “Mr. Kazi” as the majority of his students or Sangha called him. (Sangha: group of followers of a particular teacher and belief system). The exception was a handful of “senior” students who had been with him since his arrival in the United States in the late seventies. They called him Sonam. Anyhow, I had been studying with Mr. Kazi for quite some time. Being a good carpenter and a faithful student I would spend almost every weekend of the year working on his property in upstate New York. After one particularly extensive project was completed he took me aside and smiling said, “I promise you’ll be enlightened in this life”. I was stunned by this comment. Having all of my faith (ok, Faith) wrapped up in the Dzogchen practice of Tibetan Buddhism, and all of my time and energy and beliefs also invested in this path that comment certainly got my attention. Here was my guru (ok, Guru) who we all (the Sangha) believed was the Buddha himself telling me, a humble carpenter, that I was going to reach that penultimate goal in this very lifetime. Wow! My mind in those days was still a mess of superstition, drama, limiting beliefs, and fear. Sure, I had glimpses of clarity but I was about as close to reaching enlightenment as I was to playing a round of golf on the moon. (Ed. Note: I hate golf.)
I was also very familiar with the trials and tribulations of millions of worthy (certainly even worthier than myself) seekers willing to wait for the next life or if not then, ten lifetimes in the future before being fortunate enough to accrue enough good karma to reach their final attainment. How could it be that I was to be singled out for this wonderful attribute? And how could another human being even guarantee such a thing?
“You have to do everything your guru tells you only as it pertains to your spiritual practice.”
What I discovered was there was quite a bit of belief wrapped up in that little dumpling of a blessing I received that day. And more than a garnishing of self importance. (Ed. Note: I have noticed the amount of self importance in oneself is about equal to the amount of insecurity in oneself). I certainly was operating under the assumption that this person, my guru, knew what was best for me, and knew the most expeditious way to the top of the mountain. In giving away all of my faith to him (Faith) I was also giving away my discrimination. The argument here goes like this: if your teacher is the Buddha himself, then what place do I as a mere seeker have for discrimination? Isn’t that what got me in trouble (see: lifetimes of suffering) in the first place? So in giving up my ability to make choices based in “how does it feel” and relying on “what should I do in the name of Realization” I followed post haste on the instructions given me. Not all of those directions were just based on my spiritual practice. Some were clearly mundane, physical and from my point of view then however, they were all designed to release my attachments to how I thought things should be. In retrospect I’m not so sure. Looking back on it now I felt like a leaf in a swift river.
Is this confusing? Maybe so. But it’s like this: I handed the keys to another human being and said, “you drive my life”. That was my choice since no one held a gun to my head. But I also saw how dependent we all became to letting someone else direct our movie. Certainly at the time I did not recognize that much of my compliance was based in fear; the fear of going against the Dharma, disobeying the Guru, letting down the Sangha, but in retrospect it was. Could another person really bring us to that ultimate destination? And what was that place really?
I came to see as the years went by that there are many teachers, guides, angels, lamas, gurus, yogis, friends, pets, ex-wives, and children who have SO much to show and teach us. But they cannot manifest Happiness inside of us. Yes, they can point the way. They can describe the view. They can inspire us to climb even higher. They can mop our brow and dry our tears and wipe the snot from our nose. They can hold us like our mother did. They can motivate us like our father did. They can break our hearts when we glimpse their humanity. They can show us enlightenment is in fact still chopping wood and still carrying water. Still cleaning a shitty diaper. Still making poor choices. Still stumbling and yet still dusting our sorry selves off and climbing onward. And maybe we learn along the way to be able to let the mind go and merge with our own Heart, the Infinite.
I look back on the ten years I tried my best to be a good chela (student). I see my teacher in a whole new light now 20 years removed from his feet. I look back on it all as one looks at the progress of a child learning to walk – a mixture of gratitude and wonder that they did and a feeling of I’m glad that’s over with.
Now I know how to walk. Am I enlightened as promised?
Hey, can anyone hear that sound of one hand clapping I keep hearing?
What?
J
The title of this blog was actually said to me by my guru at the time, Sonam T. Kazi. Or “Mr. Kazi” as the majority of his students or Sangha called him. (Sangha: group of followers of a particular teacher and belief system). The exception was a handful of “senior” students who had been with him since his arrival in the United States in the late seventies. They called him Sonam. Anyhow, I had been studying with Mr. Kazi for quite some time. Being a good carpenter and a faithful student I would spend almost every weekend of the year working on his property in upstate New York. After one particularly extensive project was completed he took me aside and smiling said, “I promise you’ll be enlightened in this life”. I was stunned by this comment. Having all of my faith (ok, Faith) wrapped up in the Dzogchen practice of Tibetan Buddhism, and all of my time and energy and beliefs also invested in this path that comment certainly got my attention. Here was my guru (ok, Guru) who we all (the Sangha) believed was the Buddha himself telling me, a humble carpenter, that I was going to reach that penultimate goal in this very lifetime. Wow! My mind in those days was still a mess of superstition, drama, limiting beliefs, and fear. Sure, I had glimpses of clarity but I was about as close to reaching enlightenment as I was to playing a round of golf on the moon. (Ed. Note: I hate golf.)
I was also very familiar with the trials and tribulations of millions of worthy (certainly even worthier than myself) seekers willing to wait for the next life or if not then, ten lifetimes in the future before being fortunate enough to accrue enough good karma to reach their final attainment. How could it be that I was to be singled out for this wonderful attribute? And how could another human being even guarantee such a thing?
“You have to do everything your guru tells you only as it pertains to your spiritual practice.”
What I discovered was there was quite a bit of belief wrapped up in that little dumpling of a blessing I received that day. And more than a garnishing of self importance. (Ed. Note: I have noticed the amount of self importance in oneself is about equal to the amount of insecurity in oneself). I certainly was operating under the assumption that this person, my guru, knew what was best for me, and knew the most expeditious way to the top of the mountain. In giving away all of my faith to him (Faith) I was also giving away my discrimination. The argument here goes like this: if your teacher is the Buddha himself, then what place do I as a mere seeker have for discrimination? Isn’t that what got me in trouble (see: lifetimes of suffering) in the first place? So in giving up my ability to make choices based in “how does it feel” and relying on “what should I do in the name of Realization” I followed post haste on the instructions given me. Not all of those directions were just based on my spiritual practice. Some were clearly mundane, physical and from my point of view then however, they were all designed to release my attachments to how I thought things should be. In retrospect I’m not so sure. Looking back on it now I felt like a leaf in a swift river.
Is this confusing? Maybe so. But it’s like this: I handed the keys to another human being and said, “you drive my life”. That was my choice since no one held a gun to my head. But I also saw how dependent we all became to letting someone else direct our movie. Certainly at the time I did not recognize that much of my compliance was based in fear; the fear of going against the Dharma, disobeying the Guru, letting down the Sangha, but in retrospect it was. Could another person really bring us to that ultimate destination? And what was that place really?
I came to see as the years went by that there are many teachers, guides, angels, lamas, gurus, yogis, friends, pets, ex-wives, and children who have SO much to show and teach us. But they cannot manifest Happiness inside of us. Yes, they can point the way. They can describe the view. They can inspire us to climb even higher. They can mop our brow and dry our tears and wipe the snot from our nose. They can hold us like our mother did. They can motivate us like our father did. They can break our hearts when we glimpse their humanity. They can show us enlightenment is in fact still chopping wood and still carrying water. Still cleaning a shitty diaper. Still making poor choices. Still stumbling and yet still dusting our sorry selves off and climbing onward. And maybe we learn along the way to be able to let the mind go and merge with our own Heart, the Infinite.
I look back on the ten years I tried my best to be a good chela (student). I see my teacher in a whole new light now 20 years removed from his feet. I look back on it all as one looks at the progress of a child learning to walk – a mixture of gratitude and wonder that they did and a feeling of I’m glad that’s over with.
Now I know how to walk. Am I enlightened as promised?
Hey, can anyone hear that sound of one hand clapping I keep hearing?
What?
J
Comments
All my love, MadMadSyl