Hi. Jamie has taken a break from his blog and I’ve decided to fill in for him. I am his “guardian angel”. Call me Uri.
Look, I just want to take this opportunity and this forum to get some things off my proverbial chest. First off, we get no respect – I mean zip, zero, nada. People love to talk about their “angels watching over them” like it’s some fluffy namby pamby occupation complete with big lovely wings (like that stupid John Travolta movie) and Bach concertos playing soothing soundtracks and the entire deal Oprah approved. Bullshit. It ain’t like that at all.
It’s dark and nasty and nitty gritty stuff. You all only hear about the humans who die. And don’t get me going about the repercussions of letting your “assigned”* human expire – baaaaad, baaaaad, baaaaad is all I can say. The boss hates when we f-up and let a human die. Usually it’s cause we went for a smoke, or grabbed a café latte or something – I mean we need a break too…but I digress.
*There is one G.A. assigned to a human per lifetime (includes twins, sextuplets etc. Feel bad for dem angels)
You never hear about the billions of near misses every moment of every day. The ones most humans aren’t even aware of. Of how ridiculously close human beings come to being taken out each moment. If you only knew…which is another bone of contention for me. On what planet is anyone required to work 24/7? Not one moment of taking a breather, watching the game on TV, taking your honey for ice cream? Not to mention sleeping. Oh, and those humans who “die in their sleep”? Yup, somebody made a boo boo. Took their eye off their human and wham. Done. Dead. Happened to my buddy Mike just the other day – 2 am went to check his email and left this guy snoring peacefully. Came back not 5 minutes later – freakin’ guy is stone cold. I tell ya it’s a thankless full time gig and I’ve about had it!
Take Jamie my human for example. Not a bad kid but christ almighty (sorry boss) that guy shoulda been tattooed with the crash test dummy symbol. From the word go right outta the womb this joker has had me on full alert. He must be part feline since he has been forever trying to leave this earth (by the way cats really do have nine lives since they’re so stupid – they’d be “one and done” otherwise and then there’d be no more little puddie cats roamin’ the planet…yippee!). He loves to think of himself as a warrior who has survived many a battle and lived to tell the tale. And oh I just loooove the way he embellishes his stories like as if he had anything to do with staying alive. Remember that cliff he launched off of? What an idiot! Thirty-five feet and lands like he’s on a feather bed. Guess who he landed on? ME!!! Then this last incident with the car? Oh man. He slams into a 2010 Toyota on his little carbon fiber bicycle and is walking around joking with the EMT’s like he’s a friggin’ hero. Then he even takes pictures of the huge dent “he left” in the front quarter panel of the Toy. Guess what? Yup, that’s MY DENT!! I mean this kid is a train wreck. He looks like a tom cat all scarred up and those are just collateral damages – anyone of those scars could’ve been lights out Charlie. How about all his motorcycles? No he can’t just have a nice little Vespa scooter something cute and safe, he’s gotta go get that nasty black Speed Triple monster of his and ride it like he’s invincible. Who’s sittin’ on the front fender on high alert at all times? Me of course. ME ME ME!!! Oh I’m really getting steeped now.
I’m considering staging a walkout. I mean if guys who unload trucks have a union why not us? We could then be organized and go on strike, lobby for better working conditions, maybe a little paid vay-kay? Fifteen minute breaks morning and afternoon, lunch break. Eight hour shifts. Pee breaks. You get the idea. That would certainly help the “overpopulation” problem you humans are experiencing if we only worked 40 hours a week. And maybe people would think twice before taking us angels for granted. Maybe never even leave your house. Hummm. I might have to bring this up with Ari and Mike and the guys at our next meeting. But it’s nearly impossible to coordinate our schedules…what a bummer. And besides….
Oh crap there goes Jamie on his skateboard…I gotta fly peeps, thanks for letting me rant and rave. I feel a little better. Though barely.
Just remember next time you step off the curb, even though you look both ways, I’m looking all ways…
Later gator.
Uri
Look, I just want to take this opportunity and this forum to get some things off my proverbial chest. First off, we get no respect – I mean zip, zero, nada. People love to talk about their “angels watching over them” like it’s some fluffy namby pamby occupation complete with big lovely wings (like that stupid John Travolta movie) and Bach concertos playing soothing soundtracks and the entire deal Oprah approved. Bullshit. It ain’t like that at all.
It’s dark and nasty and nitty gritty stuff. You all only hear about the humans who die. And don’t get me going about the repercussions of letting your “assigned”* human expire – baaaaad, baaaaad, baaaaad is all I can say. The boss hates when we f-up and let a human die. Usually it’s cause we went for a smoke, or grabbed a café latte or something – I mean we need a break too…but I digress.
*There is one G.A. assigned to a human per lifetime (includes twins, sextuplets etc. Feel bad for dem angels)
You never hear about the billions of near misses every moment of every day. The ones most humans aren’t even aware of. Of how ridiculously close human beings come to being taken out each moment. If you only knew…which is another bone of contention for me. On what planet is anyone required to work 24/7? Not one moment of taking a breather, watching the game on TV, taking your honey for ice cream? Not to mention sleeping. Oh, and those humans who “die in their sleep”? Yup, somebody made a boo boo. Took their eye off their human and wham. Done. Dead. Happened to my buddy Mike just the other day – 2 am went to check his email and left this guy snoring peacefully. Came back not 5 minutes later – freakin’ guy is stone cold. I tell ya it’s a thankless full time gig and I’ve about had it!
Take Jamie my human for example. Not a bad kid but christ almighty (sorry boss) that guy shoulda been tattooed with the crash test dummy symbol. From the word go right outta the womb this joker has had me on full alert. He must be part feline since he has been forever trying to leave this earth (by the way cats really do have nine lives since they’re so stupid – they’d be “one and done” otherwise and then there’d be no more little puddie cats roamin’ the planet…yippee!). He loves to think of himself as a warrior who has survived many a battle and lived to tell the tale. And oh I just loooove the way he embellishes his stories like as if he had anything to do with staying alive. Remember that cliff he launched off of? What an idiot! Thirty-five feet and lands like he’s on a feather bed. Guess who he landed on? ME!!! Then this last incident with the car? Oh man. He slams into a 2010 Toyota on his little carbon fiber bicycle and is walking around joking with the EMT’s like he’s a friggin’ hero. Then he even takes pictures of the huge dent “he left” in the front quarter panel of the Toy. Guess what? Yup, that’s MY DENT!! I mean this kid is a train wreck. He looks like a tom cat all scarred up and those are just collateral damages – anyone of those scars could’ve been lights out Charlie. How about all his motorcycles? No he can’t just have a nice little Vespa scooter something cute and safe, he’s gotta go get that nasty black Speed Triple monster of his and ride it like he’s invincible. Who’s sittin’ on the front fender on high alert at all times? Me of course. ME ME ME!!! Oh I’m really getting steeped now.
I’m considering staging a walkout. I mean if guys who unload trucks have a union why not us? We could then be organized and go on strike, lobby for better working conditions, maybe a little paid vay-kay? Fifteen minute breaks morning and afternoon, lunch break. Eight hour shifts. Pee breaks. You get the idea. That would certainly help the “overpopulation” problem you humans are experiencing if we only worked 40 hours a week. And maybe people would think twice before taking us angels for granted. Maybe never even leave your house. Hummm. I might have to bring this up with Ari and Mike and the guys at our next meeting. But it’s nearly impossible to coordinate our schedules…what a bummer. And besides….
Oh crap there goes Jamie on his skateboard…I gotta fly peeps, thanks for letting me rant and rave. I feel a little better. Though barely.
Just remember next time you step off the curb, even though you look both ways, I’m looking all ways…
Later gator.
Uri
Comments
Aren't we glad that he does!