As I sat amongst the sage and rabbitbrush and red earth of New Mexico I watched the tarantula as it delicately made its way towards me, almost like touching the ground was painful. Or more likely maybe I was the one in pain.
I had wandered off after our lunch break to find that certain special spot on the land where I could attempt to come to an understanding of why my world was simultaneously collapsing and expanding, leaving me feeling open, raw, exposed, and exhilarated. As I watched the spider getting closer all my past associations of big hairy arachnids sped through my brain like a highlight horror reel. Should I move, I thought absently. Some force kept me sitting cross legged on the ground watching this really beautiful rare thing tip-toe towards me.
Beautiful? Get the fuck up and run man! This Dreaming workshop must be draining me of all sense!
I sat there dumbstruck at my immobility. When the tarantula was about a foot from me it made a hard right turn and crawled away. It might have been the rush of the wind off the mountains or me exhaling, I’m not sure which.
Later that night when I mentioned this little interaction to my teacher Barbara, she smiled and said “oh honey, they are way more afraid of you”. Good thing cause I may have had a heart attack if it started crawling up my leg.
So here I was with a group of 30 other men and women who had decided they wanted something different in their lives and had come to this lovely property outside Santa Fe New Mexico to discover what that was – or better yet – what that “different” felt like.
Myself? I had packed up my life in New England six months earlier and moved west to Southern California to study with a man whose book I had innocently plucked off a local bookstore shelf (I liked the cover), put on my nightstand untouched for 9 months (symbolism intended), read in one sitting the night my then wife came home and said “I’m leaving”. She left and I read the book again. No lie. I married this beautiful woman just 10 months earlier. She loved my son Nick. I figured this relationship was “it”. I had sworn off any spiritual seeking (silly I know) and was content to just be a “regular guy” (cue the horror flick music). Big, big mistake. I was still running my “hero program” that was all about rescuing and was sure I could fix whatever this lovely woman was suffering from (admittedly she had some issues but so did I, duh). Lurking in the shadows was the Universe waiting to bestow the coup de grace at just the perfect moment. That moment when the sculptor administers just the right hammer strike, forcefully but with intent, and reveals the beautiful creation behind the hard façade…BOOM!
That was my heart cracking wide open. I was 42 years old, divorced again, had a 10 year old son, was in debt, and now alone. Again. If that doesn’t wake you up I don’t know what will. As I sat in the rubble of (yet) another heart break I vowed that this was the last time. It truly felt like Life or Death at that point. I no longer wanted to be at the mercy of my beliefs. I no longer wanted to feel like I was worthless. I no longer wanted to give away Love and be devastated when it wasn’t returned. From where I sit now my ex-wife was my best spiritual teacher yet. Her simple act of leaving me sent me on a journey that can be only described as exquisitely divine. Why?
Because I learned about who I truly am. I discovered the human capacity to transcend. I finally understood what is this crazy little word called Love. I discovered my connection to Life is ever present and like a lamp cord that is plugged in fully accessing the current and can only be unplugged by me.
Nobody has that power to diminish my light other than me.
Sure there are a million reasons we can disagree with that statement but really when you stare down the Truth you’ll see it’s all you baby. What we believe, what we choose to think is what creates who we are. Many of you reading this may nod your head and already know this. Fantastic! Kudos to you. Many of you may want whatever drug I’m on. I’m not on any. And some may shake your head doubting what I’ve written. And that is ok.
All I know is if you seek, you will find. And what you find may not look at all like what you were expecting.
But guess what? I bet it’s even better than what you expected it would be.
So maybe there is a part three to all this rambling, huh? I bet you all want to know what the book was and how an emotionally crippled man drove crying all the way from Massachusetts to California and one short year later drove back with his beloved and began a dream of abundance and Love and Life so sweet.
Right back where I started from.
Thanks for reading!
I had wandered off after our lunch break to find that certain special spot on the land where I could attempt to come to an understanding of why my world was simultaneously collapsing and expanding, leaving me feeling open, raw, exposed, and exhilarated. As I watched the spider getting closer all my past associations of big hairy arachnids sped through my brain like a highlight horror reel. Should I move, I thought absently. Some force kept me sitting cross legged on the ground watching this really beautiful rare thing tip-toe towards me.
Beautiful? Get the fuck up and run man! This Dreaming workshop must be draining me of all sense!
I sat there dumbstruck at my immobility. When the tarantula was about a foot from me it made a hard right turn and crawled away. It might have been the rush of the wind off the mountains or me exhaling, I’m not sure which.
Later that night when I mentioned this little interaction to my teacher Barbara, she smiled and said “oh honey, they are way more afraid of you”. Good thing cause I may have had a heart attack if it started crawling up my leg.
So here I was with a group of 30 other men and women who had decided they wanted something different in their lives and had come to this lovely property outside Santa Fe New Mexico to discover what that was – or better yet – what that “different” felt like.
Myself? I had packed up my life in New England six months earlier and moved west to Southern California to study with a man whose book I had innocently plucked off a local bookstore shelf (I liked the cover), put on my nightstand untouched for 9 months (symbolism intended), read in one sitting the night my then wife came home and said “I’m leaving”. She left and I read the book again. No lie. I married this beautiful woman just 10 months earlier. She loved my son Nick. I figured this relationship was “it”. I had sworn off any spiritual seeking (silly I know) and was content to just be a “regular guy” (cue the horror flick music). Big, big mistake. I was still running my “hero program” that was all about rescuing and was sure I could fix whatever this lovely woman was suffering from (admittedly she had some issues but so did I, duh). Lurking in the shadows was the Universe waiting to bestow the coup de grace at just the perfect moment. That moment when the sculptor administers just the right hammer strike, forcefully but with intent, and reveals the beautiful creation behind the hard façade…BOOM!
That was my heart cracking wide open. I was 42 years old, divorced again, had a 10 year old son, was in debt, and now alone. Again. If that doesn’t wake you up I don’t know what will. As I sat in the rubble of (yet) another heart break I vowed that this was the last time. It truly felt like Life or Death at that point. I no longer wanted to be at the mercy of my beliefs. I no longer wanted to feel like I was worthless. I no longer wanted to give away Love and be devastated when it wasn’t returned. From where I sit now my ex-wife was my best spiritual teacher yet. Her simple act of leaving me sent me on a journey that can be only described as exquisitely divine. Why?
Because I learned about who I truly am. I discovered the human capacity to transcend. I finally understood what is this crazy little word called Love. I discovered my connection to Life is ever present and like a lamp cord that is plugged in fully accessing the current and can only be unplugged by me.
Nobody has that power to diminish my light other than me.
Sure there are a million reasons we can disagree with that statement but really when you stare down the Truth you’ll see it’s all you baby. What we believe, what we choose to think is what creates who we are. Many of you reading this may nod your head and already know this. Fantastic! Kudos to you. Many of you may want whatever drug I’m on. I’m not on any. And some may shake your head doubting what I’ve written. And that is ok.
All I know is if you seek, you will find. And what you find may not look at all like what you were expecting.
But guess what? I bet it’s even better than what you expected it would be.
So maybe there is a part three to all this rambling, huh? I bet you all want to know what the book was and how an emotionally crippled man drove crying all the way from Massachusetts to California and one short year later drove back with his beloved and began a dream of abundance and Love and Life so sweet.
Right back where I started from.
Thanks for reading!
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