Before My Last Breath

Many years ago I lived in brick building on the corner of Second Avenue and 4th Street in Greenwich Village. I was living there with three dancers from NYU. It was a magical time. It was a time when possibility ran through my veins. It was a time when Life was a merry-go-round. Once on all control was lost and once off the dizziness was overwhelming. It was a time of pushing boundaries and struggling to gain awareness. In other words it was raw. The scrapes and bruises were real – and I gave as good as I got. 20 years old and living large as possible. In those days my mind was into Lao Tzu and Herman Hesse and Buddhism and the chivalry of martial arts. We ate Szechuan food almost nightly and drank red wine on the stoops. We threw parties and stayed up all night watching the lights go out in the street as the sun came up over the East River. Yet in my heart I was a spotted pony running across the prairie. The city was not my home. Too much humanity packed too tightly and no...

A friend sent out today a beautifully written though very intense missive about our nation’s addiction to our current way of life – namely our perpetual thirst for oil and our rampant consumerism. (Check it out at http://www.spiritrecovery.blogspot.com/ “When the Game is up”). Nicely written Lee. It got me to thinking about the ways in which we resist change, or in some cases welcome change. What’s the dynamic? What determines why we would resist or why we would embrace that simple word? Change. The American Heritage dictionary on my desk lists 7 different definitions which in my interpretation all boil down to mean – ain’t nothing staying the same baby. Change. What does that word elicit inside each of us? What emotions does it give rise to? What happens when our beloved says "it’s time for a change?", our boss calls us in and informs us of a “change coming?" What happens when Life let’s us know in usually not so subtle terms it’s time for a change? Why do we so often ...

I’ve been observing the way I create lately and wondering why it’s on such a small scale. I’m not talking about the day to day creations, but the big picture creation. And no I don’t mean the “five year plan” or “ten year plan”. I mean the overall creation of the way I so strongly desire to live. I put so much attention on those things I believe I need in the moment as if they’re a cure-all salve for my yearnings. And to some degree they are. But the real yearning encompasses all of the smaller yearnings and if I would only put my attention on that bigger picture desire I would ultimately be so much happier. For example how many of us think like this: if only I had a better job, or better car, or better relationship, or a better wardrobe, or a better motorcycle, I would finally be happy. I know my mind works in this way. It tricks me into thinking if I acquire one more “thing” I’ll attain that elusive serenity and peace of mind. In actuality I desire even more things after satisfying t...

Lots been going on as of late. I feel like I’ve been neglecting the blog recently, but not for lack of things to say. Just getting my ass down in front of the computer and pounding the keys…so bear with me the next few days. I’ll get myself back up to speed again. Last night I witnessed a milestone. Today I had the good fortune to witness another. Both amazing achievements, both equally inspiring. And both a huge part of being alive and human. Last night I attended the Red Sox game with Meg & Rita. We were treated to a once in a lifetime pitching performance by Jon Lester the 24 year old southpaw who recently beat cancer and resumed his pitching career. The energy in the park was electric from the 7th inning on. Each pitch had the crowd on their feet – including Megs & Rita who know little or nothing about baseball. It was one of those moments we humans participate in that is remarkable and timeless. The other inspiring milestone was watching Bodhi begin to walk. To ...

I was emailing a friend today about buying a couple of sport touring motorcycles for a trip we were planning in the fall and I noticed in our numerous exchanges that there was a feeling of contraction in what he was saying. He made a few references to the economy being down, and people selling their “toys” first in an economic downturn – those non essential things that men acquire. Boats, motorcycles, snow mobiles, fast cars, etc. My friend was suggesting that his funds were tight and if he were to buy a bike it should be a short sale from someone needing quick cash. I know that his net worth far exceeds mine and I wondered about the difference between contraction and expansion. That got me to thinking about the experience we create inside ourselves. Why did I feel the complete opposite of contraction? I had this really expansive feeling about what was happening both economically and personally for me. I could feel the momentum steadily build inside of me. The more expansive I fe...

Tonight I was thinking about signs. In the regular world signs are there to help us navigate. No Left Turn. Stop. One Way Do Not Enter. In another world there are different signs. A world not so obvious. But still there to assist us in finding our way. There are signs that let us know on a deeper level that everything is ok. I have always been noticing those different signs and seeking their meaning. Those signs are there to guide us on an inner level. I call them the invisible signs. They are literally invisible if you’re not ready to see them. When you are ready to see them and you do they expand your mind. They blow us away. They break the hold of the ordinary signs and launch us into trusting what we see on an intuitive level. "It Was Meant 2 Be". I remember walking along the street and finding this small one inch by two inch rubber sign in the gutter. At the time I was dating a woman off and on and took this as a sign that we should be together permanently. I really thou...

I have a really cool friend. His name is Mitch. I call him Doc cause he’s a chiropractor. I also call him Moshe because he’s Jewish. He’s like an old rabbi who has a twinkle in his eye and a wisdom that runs deep. Mitch isn’t old yet though. He’s a few years younger than me. We have been friends for about 16 years. A long time ago he helped me to integrate a valuable tool into my life. I have been using this tool recently with my business. On this particular Saturday years ago Mitch and I planned to get together for lunch. Just before the appointed time he phoned and mentioned a long time client just called looking to get adjusted right away. Although Mitch’s office was closed he lived nearby and agreed to meet the client. I was annoyed and said so. I suggested he tell the client he was busy and they could meet later. Mitch very patiently replied that he wanted to help this client to feel better and we could meet afterwards. I was still pissed (why I can’t imagine now – seems pretty in...

And yes I learned another really valuable lesson today. It was a lesson I get to learn over and over: another day, another opportunity for a new point of view. This afternoon I got to play on that other wheeled transport of mine – the bicycle. I could feel the pull to get out on the road and pedal myself silly. It was crazy windy out but for a change I didn’t care. I settled into a nice easy warm up and my mind was calm and relaxed. It felt good to experience a totally different state of mind than 2 days ago on my guilt trip. And that got me to thinking how amazing our innate state of being is. It is like a muscle that with some training gets used to functioning on a certain level, vibrating on a certain frequency of equanimity and happiness. Since I have made the conscious choice to devote my life to keep evolving in awareness, that muscle memory makes it easier to find a place of contentment. It remembers. Do you know what I mean? I picked up Andrew at his house and we took an easy s...

I learned a really valuable lesson today. It was a lesson I thought I had mastered and put behind me forever. Apparently not. This past weekend we went to Maine to stay at a client’s beautiful home on the coast. Meg, Bodhi , Rita and Ed drove up early Friday and I followed a few hours later on the Triumph after I wrapped up work. I had checked the weather forecast for the weekend and took the chance that they were wrong (it’s New England remember? Wait 5 minutes and it will change). The ride up on Friday was cold and misty, but no rain. Saturday and Sunday however were a different story. It rained both days and by the time we had to leave on Sunday I made the call to ride home with Megs & Co. and leave the motorcycle in the garage in Maine. I figured I’d come back up later in the week when the weather was better and ride home enjoying it. The clients rent their house out on weekends so I wasn ’t keen on leaving the bike up there indefinitely. You get the idea, right? Ta...

It's Friday and I figured why not take a break from my usual blog chatter and have a little story time. It's a gray cool day here in New England. Grab a cup of coffee, find a cozy chair and enjoy. I'll be back on Monday. Until then be well and be happy, J Long Distance Call I dialed the number from memory. It’s funny how some numbers are so easily recalled. A gateway to the past. Yet it’s the painful past that’s so hard to access. Different recollections drawn from a place inside that is sealed, until opened by a 11 digit phone number. A place that can be so fraught with emotion, so un-left brained, yet inaccessible unless that left brain begins processing and a string of numbers is dialed. Once dialed, the memories flood right back in. I heard the phone ringing. I forgot for a second who I was calling. A voice on the other end said “hello”? “Hi, it’s me.” My voice was monosyllabic. I knew everything was not going to go so easy. It was time though. The ice must be broken. T...

Did you get to experience the magic of saying “As you wish” to your beloved? Not to worry, it takes time and a bit of practice. I know you’ll do it and be happier as a result. I have to apologize to those of you who were waiting with baited breath for the third and final installment yesterday (almost as excruciating as awaiting the final movie of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but not quite). Life was handing me one of those days where it’s moving so fast and I’m trying to continually keep up – kind of like trying to catch a butterfly with your bare hands. So what’s been going on? I have received hundreds of perplexed (ok angry) emails asking about my last blog. It seems the proverbial pot got stirred. Here’s a sampling: What? You must be kidding! Say “as you wish” without question? Isn’t that letting go of our own personal wants and needs? Doesn’t it mean we’ll be setting ourselves up to be taken advantage of? What about boundaries? (See Blog: No Pain, No Gain) What about my boss? Wha...