It's Friday and I figured why not take a break from my usual blog chatter
and have a little story time. It's a gray cool day here in New England.
Grab a cup of coffee, find a cozy chair and enjoy. I'll be back on Monday.
Until then be well and be happy,
J
Long Distance Call
I dialed the number from memory. It’s funny how some numbers are so easily recalled. A gateway to the past. Yet it’s the painful past that’s so hard to access. Different recollections drawn from a place inside that is sealed, until opened by a 11 digit phone number. A place that can be so fraught with emotion, so un-left brained, yet inaccessible unless that left brain begins processing and a string of numbers is dialed. Once dialed, the memories flood right back in.
I heard the phone ringing. I forgot for a second who I was calling. A voice on the other end said “hello”?
“Hi, it’s me.” My voice was monosyllabic. I knew everything was not going to go so easy. It was time though. The ice must be broken.
There was silence on the other end. For a moment I thought she might hang up on me. I wouldn’t be surprised.
The voice repeated “Hello?” My stomach tightened.
“It’s Josh”. The game continues. I braced myself for her reprisal.
“So how was Alaska? You're back alive I guess. I figured you for dead except the checks kept arriving. They were signed by you so I knew at least your bank account was alive.” The edge in her voice was like bayonet grass. Be brave man, breathe.
“It was good. I stayed longer than I thought I would. It’s a big country, and I had to finish the project, you know how it goes...”
I sagged knowing she immediately had me on the defensive as always. It was a guilt thing. She could elicit more apprehension in me than anyone I knew. And even if I had done nothing wrong, I’d still feel bad. Breathe my friend, keep breathing.
“So you want to speak with Kai?” She was being easy on me.
“Is he home?”
“Yes, I’ll call him, hang on. Oh Josh. I’m glad you’re back safe.” She always would cut me at the knees and then offer a hand up. Warily I always took it.
“Thanks Beth. Take care.” I hated the way I lost my footing with her.
“Dad?”
“Kai?”
“Hey Dad, how ya doin’?” It always was odd to hear that word – ‘dad’.
“I’m doing OK. How have you been?” I tried to sound upbeat.
“Ah, things are ok. How come you didn’t call me?” Kai’s voice sounded wan.
“The project I was working on had me going 18 hours a day, 7 days a week. Plus my cell phone didn’t work that far out in the bush.” I realized how lame that sounded. It was an excuse. The phone worked intermittently. I never tried before today. And now I was back home. I forgot about being a father for the last 9 months. I worked, drank with the few other engineers on the project, and read mostly whenever I had the spare time.
“Dad, I want to see you.” He was pleading.
“Well soon. I’ve got a conference in DC for a week, and then I plan on taking some time off. I thought we could pack the bikes and boards and drive down to Baja. The last time we went down there you were 12. Do you remember that trip?”
“Yeah that was totally awesome!” His voice was coming to life.
“Have you been surfing yet?” I knew that’s all he’d been doing. El Nino to thank for the good breaks.
“Mom took my board. I’ve been grounded for the last 2 months.” He sounded totally bummed out.
“Why what happened?” I felt like I was an outsider – fed tiny bits of information on a self-imposed diet. I was not a father. I was a stranger to his world and who he was.
“I ran away and started hitching to Alaska.” He was dead serious.
“Are you fucking kidding me? What were you thinking? How were you…” I trailed off incredulous and irritated that he would attempt something so crazy. A 16 year old boy. Where did I fail so badly? My own inability to be there for him had inspired this. My failure as a father was all I could see in this moment.
“Dad, you owe me a quarter.” Kai would always try to ease my anger and make me laugh, reminding me that every time I swore it cost me a quarter. It was a deal we had since he was much younger and we were all still living together.
I was fuming silently now.
“Dad?”
“Yes Kai?” I exhaled slowly.
“I miss you.” He was desperate to connect.
“I miss you too Kai.” There was a crack in the shell that protected my heart and that had been carefully constructed. Like a rouge wave all that emotion crashed over me. The tears fell into my lap. I knew it was finally time to become his father. I just didn’t know how.
“Let’s get together soon dad. I have to go, I have a friend over. Is that ok? I love you dad.”
“I love you too Kai, we’ll talk again soon” I felt empty now as I hung up the phone. Just another long distance call…
Somehow I knew we would find a way.
Father and Son.
and have a little story time. It's a gray cool day here in New England.
Grab a cup of coffee, find a cozy chair and enjoy. I'll be back on Monday.
Until then be well and be happy,
J
Long Distance Call
I dialed the number from memory. It’s funny how some numbers are so easily recalled. A gateway to the past. Yet it’s the painful past that’s so hard to access. Different recollections drawn from a place inside that is sealed, until opened by a 11 digit phone number. A place that can be so fraught with emotion, so un-left brained, yet inaccessible unless that left brain begins processing and a string of numbers is dialed. Once dialed, the memories flood right back in.
I heard the phone ringing. I forgot for a second who I was calling. A voice on the other end said “hello”?
“Hi, it’s me.” My voice was monosyllabic. I knew everything was not going to go so easy. It was time though. The ice must be broken.
There was silence on the other end. For a moment I thought she might hang up on me. I wouldn’t be surprised.
The voice repeated “Hello?” My stomach tightened.
“It’s Josh”. The game continues. I braced myself for her reprisal.
“So how was Alaska? You're back alive I guess. I figured you for dead except the checks kept arriving. They were signed by you so I knew at least your bank account was alive.” The edge in her voice was like bayonet grass. Be brave man, breathe.
“It was good. I stayed longer than I thought I would. It’s a big country, and I had to finish the project, you know how it goes...”
I sagged knowing she immediately had me on the defensive as always. It was a guilt thing. She could elicit more apprehension in me than anyone I knew. And even if I had done nothing wrong, I’d still feel bad. Breathe my friend, keep breathing.
“So you want to speak with Kai?” She was being easy on me.
“Is he home?”
“Yes, I’ll call him, hang on. Oh Josh. I’m glad you’re back safe.” She always would cut me at the knees and then offer a hand up. Warily I always took it.
“Thanks Beth. Take care.” I hated the way I lost my footing with her.
“Dad?”
“Kai?”
“Hey Dad, how ya doin’?” It always was odd to hear that word – ‘dad’.
“I’m doing OK. How have you been?” I tried to sound upbeat.
“Ah, things are ok. How come you didn’t call me?” Kai’s voice sounded wan.
“The project I was working on had me going 18 hours a day, 7 days a week. Plus my cell phone didn’t work that far out in the bush.” I realized how lame that sounded. It was an excuse. The phone worked intermittently. I never tried before today. And now I was back home. I forgot about being a father for the last 9 months. I worked, drank with the few other engineers on the project, and read mostly whenever I had the spare time.
“Dad, I want to see you.” He was pleading.
“Well soon. I’ve got a conference in DC for a week, and then I plan on taking some time off. I thought we could pack the bikes and boards and drive down to Baja. The last time we went down there you were 12. Do you remember that trip?”
“Yeah that was totally awesome!” His voice was coming to life.
“Have you been surfing yet?” I knew that’s all he’d been doing. El Nino to thank for the good breaks.
“Mom took my board. I’ve been grounded for the last 2 months.” He sounded totally bummed out.
“Why what happened?” I felt like I was an outsider – fed tiny bits of information on a self-imposed diet. I was not a father. I was a stranger to his world and who he was.
“I ran away and started hitching to Alaska.” He was dead serious.
“Are you fucking kidding me? What were you thinking? How were you…” I trailed off incredulous and irritated that he would attempt something so crazy. A 16 year old boy. Where did I fail so badly? My own inability to be there for him had inspired this. My failure as a father was all I could see in this moment.
“Dad, you owe me a quarter.” Kai would always try to ease my anger and make me laugh, reminding me that every time I swore it cost me a quarter. It was a deal we had since he was much younger and we were all still living together.
I was fuming silently now.
“Dad?”
“Yes Kai?” I exhaled slowly.
“I miss you.” He was desperate to connect.
“I miss you too Kai.” There was a crack in the shell that protected my heart and that had been carefully constructed. Like a rouge wave all that emotion crashed over me. The tears fell into my lap. I knew it was finally time to become his father. I just didn’t know how.
“Let’s get together soon dad. I have to go, I have a friend over. Is that ok? I love you dad.”
“I love you too Kai, we’ll talk again soon” I felt empty now as I hung up the phone. Just another long distance call…
Somehow I knew we would find a way.
Father and Son.
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