Before My Last Breath

Having given you the evening to digest Part One we’re ready to step out and expand. Now I want to take our new favorite little phrase into a bigger potentially more treacherous arena – relationships. Anyone cringing yet? I can hear all the little voices crying out – “what about me…?” Not to worry. In the end it will all be fine. You’ll be much, much happier. Trust me. When experiencing the transformation that occurs when we can give the best to ourselves by saying “As you wish” imagine the possibilities when we do that with our beloved. For now I only want to focus on the very close relationships in our lives. (For those of you yearning to be in one of these hang in there – this applies to you as well). In reviewing my intimate relationships in the past I can see how I always tripped over one very big obstacle. ME. That obstacle was my idea of how things “should be”. I was always so invested in my vision of right or wrong, or the division of labor, or who was in charge, or how the load...

I want to talk about relationships. My dear beloved friend Stephanie requested that I devote a blog to the topic of relationships so here goes. I bet many of you have seen the film The Princess Bride – most certainly one of my all time favorite movies. There are so many brilliant aspects to that movie but the one piece I’ve remembered after all these years is the phrase Westley continually replies to Buttercup with: “As you wish”. This is a profound attitude to take. No matter what Buttercup asks of him, Westley always replies, “As you wish”. Imagine how our life would be if we had the daring and faith to live that way like Westley did. In my relationship with Meghan it’s had a magical effect and was there at the very beginning of our togetherness. But I get ahead of myself, first things first. I can remember when I initially tried out that phrase on myself. It was a little terrifying. Even having the thought to do so was radical, but to actuall...

Words to live by, no? Well not for me anymore. That used to be my modus operandi (no I am not a masochist). My old story was if I wasn’t in pain then I wasn’t making progress. It amazes me how much I really took that belief to heart. Much of my life has been spent in close relation to pain – whether it was physically through a myriad of accidents, injuries, or operations, or creating emotional pain in my relationships with myself and others. Pain was my friend. We hung out together. I also prided myself on having a very high pain tolerance. When the relationship to pain becomes as intimate as it did with me, the sensation of pain is virtually welcomed. I got good at concealing pain and just living with it. Over the past 7 or 8 years I have become gradually “pain adverse”. The feeling of pain doesn’t feel as comfortable or as manageable as it used to. I’ve begun to really experience how pleasure feels in my physical and emotional body. It feels really nice. Pain can also be...

The Turtle woke up this morning feeling a stirring deep in its shell. The warm spring air was finally here and the earth was coming to life again. It had been a long hard winter and it seemed as if it would never leave. Now it finally had and the sun was bright in the empty blue sky. The Shepherd was scratching at the door. He had a full bladder and needed to pee. Once outside he surveyed the yard, checking all his usual spots and securing the perimeter. His yard was small but occasionally he would get out and take long walks with his owner when the weather got warmer. Today was a good day for a long walk. The Rider checked his motorcycle over and packed his gear, bringing an extra fleece vest and warm gloves. It was cooler at the coast and he knew that riding at 70 mph the wind would make the air temps brisk until he got inland. Today a long ride was planned, traveling far into the North Country seeking out the back roads and letting the new motor find it’s rhythm during its break in ...

“Then the prophecies of the old songs have turned out to be true, after a fashion!” said Bilbo. “Of course!” said Gandalf. “And why should they not prove true? Surely you don’t disbelieve the prophecies, because you had a hand in bringing them about yourself? You don’t really suppose, do you, that all your adventures and escapes were managed by mere luck, just for your sole benefit? You are a very fine person, Mr. Baggins, and I am very fond of you; but you are only quite a little fellow in a wide world after all!” “Thank goodness!” said Bilbo laughing, and handed him the tobacco-jar. I wanted to add just a small little something to the blog today before the day is over. It’s a gorgeous, warm spring day and I’ve spent the majority of it in my office writing proposals and keeping up with the business. Meg and I plan to take a spin on the Triumph later and I still have a few things left to finish before then. I love this passage from The Hobbit. It sums up my take on self-importance. Whi...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”** This quote has been like an old friend since I came across it. Someone who’s there to listen and offer a clear reflection, not judgment. Whenever I read this wisdom I feel better and back on track. These past few days I feel like I’ve been trying to shine but have been running into a wall over and over again and smashing my headlight in the process. My head hurts from doing so. It’s an Aries thing so say...

I love the definitions of grace as offered by the Random House dictionary. There are 11 variations on the meaning each equally evocative of a feeling. All paying homage to a grand word. My life is full of grace. It is Sunday morning which has got to be my favorite morning of the week. There is a quality that is both poignant, and nostalgic. The light this morning is beautiful. The world outside must be asleep and so seems non-existent. Inside it’s me and Bodhi making breakfast while Meg sleeps too. I love this time with my littlest son. I get a chance to slow down to his rhythm, to not rush off anywhere, to have no agenda. We eat and then go play. I watch him closely to witness all that is shifting in him so quickly – he is standing, balancing on his own, creating little games, then moving on to another interest. There is this big sheepskin on the floor of his playroom that I lie on. We are listening to music (Explosions in The Sky – The Earth is Not a Cold Dark Place*) wh...

(The Story of How I Play With Drama Daily) Ok maybe this is unrelated to what I’m writing about today but I gotta get it out! Michael Johns getting voted off Idol? You gotta be kidding me! That kid had some pipes. He was a rocker and seemed cut out to sing for a living. I figured it would come down to David Cook and him. I’m mildly disgusted that Kristy is so obviously milking the Christian vote. (I love Christians don’t get me wrong, I just don’t believe in milking them). Anyway. For those of you who don’t really know me let me briefly introduce myself. I have spent most of my life seeking happiness. Wandering through a maze of beliefs, techniques, experiments, and with some plain old pure dumb luck I have found myself in a pretty awesome state of happiness. Without getting sidetracked about what the hell that means let’s just assume it means I’m happy most of the time. Except when I’m not. One key component to my happiness (and one of my definitions of happiness) is the absence of dr...

Don’t Follow Me I’m Lost I love that bumper sticker. I saw it this morning on my way to a client meeting. You ever have those days when as soon as you wake up you’re feeling slightly behind and maybe a little tweaked internally? The day hasn’t even gotten started and the mind is trying to overload itself and short circuit. I had one of those mornings. Throughout my morning rituals I was feeling tired, a little down mentally, and slightly judgmental about it. It was as if a tiny black cloud was following me, obscuring my ability to feel clear. I generally wake up ready to conquer the world like I forgot all about whatever went down yesterday. Yeah I’m one of those mildly obnoxious morning people that can totally grate on the non-morning ones. Anyway, today I couldn’t shake the unsettled feeling inside. Even during my client meeting I was unsure how I was coming across to this client while I was talking to them about renovating their kitchen. It felt like I was talking under water, or li...

This morning I was driving to visit my granite supplier. The road passes right along the ocean for most of the way there, and the sun was out and the air just a bit warmer than yesterday. I was in business mode, making calls and thinking about all the things I need to do for work today. To be honest I barely saw the waves breaking as I drove along the coastline. I did roll down the window after a few minutes to let the ocean air into the cab of my truck, but remained pretty preoccupied with other things. After my appointment I made a few more calls as I drove back, still very disconnected to what was going on around me, literally right outside my window. As I came back into Marblehead I pulled over at Preston beach and got out of the truck. I walked to the sea wall that overlooks a long stretch of beach and stood at the edge feeling the slight breeze and listening to the waves being pulled towards the shore then released back to the ocean. It was a sound I hadn’t listened to in ...

Freedom I love this word for so many different reasons. Say the word and count how many ideas flash across our mental movie screen? These themes of freedom bring to mind so many clichés: fight for our freedom, let freedom ring, economic freedom, religious freedom. So once again I went to Wikipedia (sorry Syl) and the array of definitions, explanations, philosophies, and interpretations of this word made my eyes cross and were way too numerous to list here. For this particular blog I want to focus on the idea of personal freedom. For those of you who want to hear more about my motorcycle, sit still. I’ll get there. How many of you really feel like you have personal freedom? If I were to ask many a reply would sound like this: “yeah I want it but this job has me tied…”, or “I wish I had it now, maybe when the kids are out of college…”, or how’s this sound “my spouse/partner won’t let me do my thing without some argument, or attitude.” Sound familiar? How about this voice: “I c...

“the opposite of crisis is called mental development (development of consciousness).” (found on Google searching for the opposite of the word “crisis”) This morning I woke up thinking about the phrase “midlife crisis”. Why is it that when we turn a certain age and then we do something deemed impulsive and “out of character” it’s assumed that “he’s just having a midlife crisis.” You see I just turned 50 years old. Or maybe I just turned 50 years young. Depends on your point of view. I also just purchased a motorcycle. Definitely impulsive and irrational to the uninformed observer even though I’ve been riding motorcycles since I was 12 (smaller versions since I was 2) and have been dreaming of owning one again since my last motorcycle that I sold to pay for my son Nick’s mid-wife. That was 1990. Wikipedia has a wonderful wealth of information about mid life crisis’s. “Midlife crisis is a term used to describe a period of dramatic self-doubt that is typically felt in the "mid...